What is it like to be a disabled person?

Last night I was thinking about what it is like to be a physically disabled person and I was thinking about a way to describe it to people who are not disabled. When most non-disabled adults look in the mirror they can see what their lips look like, what color eyes they have, how their eye brows are shaped, and what color hair they have; they can see their ears and assess how they feel about them; and they can see the shape of their face. They might think, "I look like my mother, or my father, or great Aunt Sue. When they walk away from the mirror they forget what they look like; when they look at the clouds in the sky they are not thinking about their brown eyes; when they say hello to their neighbor they are not thinking about their small ears; when they talk on the phone they aren't thinking about their smile that tilts to one side.

When I look in a full length mirror I can see that I have short legs; that I stand with crutches; or that I sit in a wheelchair; I can see how my lips look, what color my eyes are, I can see my eye brows and the color of my hair. When I walk away from the mirror I forget what I saw in the mirror. I look at the clouds, I talk to my neighbors, and I talk on the telephone without remembering that I have a physical disability. Sometimes I am aware that I am a short adult, especially when my tall friends like Brian O'Connor comes over because he is 6'6", but most people would be aware that they are short around Brian. This is not my disability issue.

There are times when I am aware that I have a disability. Today when I was at the dentist the counter was up to my chin (I call it the John the Baptist on a platter look); that is a short issue not a disability issue. But when I needed to sign paperwork I asked for a pen (that wasn't attached to the counter) and the receptionist couldn't find one. I wanted to take my check book and go sit down to fill it out. The receptionist said: "I'll give you a clip board and you can stand here and do it." I then had to tell the receptionist that I needed to sit down because writing on the clip board without holding on to and leaning on at least one crutch would have thrown me off balance. That was a disability issue and my question was, why doesn't Kaiser lower the counter in the dental clinic to make it accessible to shorter people like they did in clinic F across the hall? Lower counters would benefit the elderly, people in wheelchairs and people, like me, who use crutches in public. Lower counters would also be friendlier to everyone (except tall people) and if the counters were lower then I would not be forced to remember that I am a short disabled woman.

Anyway, back to the original topic: the counter issue and writing out a check took two to three minutes, or less. Once the check was written I went back to forgetting that I walk with crutches and became the psychological self who looks out onto the world without a need to reflect on whether I have blue eyes or whether my crutches are purple or aluminum. And perhaps if the receptionist had not "tried to help," but had quietly let me go sit as I needed in order to write out a check, I may not have reflected as much on my shortness, my crutches, my disability as I did. Sometimes the helpfulness of others causes me to be aware that I look physically different. The mental act of being self reflective, or self conscious, takes me away from the relationship that I want to have with the other individual, instead of relating to the other person I find myself only relating to parts of myself (my crutches, my shortness, my crooked legs) but not even to my whole self.

This self consciousness is not just a disability issue, my friend Brian, who is 6'6" is an able bodied man who also finds himself being self reflective about how to deal with a world that is standardized to people who are on the average 5'10" tall. When Brian and I are sitting and talking we have great conversations; but when he is standing and I am sitting our conversations are not as intimate because that which is unusual about him is more apparent to both him and to me when he is towering over me.

There are some people who are so self assured, self confident and genuinely loving that I am never reminded I am physically disabled when I am around them; even when they are helping me somehow I still feel comfortable and focused on my relationship with them and not on the fact of my physical disability. These people are the ones who become my best friends.

Thank you for reading my blog. Blessings, your friend, Iris