Friendship and Deep Darkness

The day started out very beautiful. The weather page said it would be 65 degrees, but I think it was warmer and the sun was out most of the day. I called a friend I had not seen for a while, I asked her if she wanted to go to a store I hadn't been to and if she wanted to go out to eat. But for some reason I never really felt like I woke up today.

Before going into town I cleaned the three bird cages, Rojo-the canary, who has to live by himself because he is too aggressive; the bigger finch cage with six finches; and Peewee the Pigeon's cage. I also put all five dog bowls in the dishwasher, so they had clean bowls for their evening meal. Getting that done was gratifying in itself, it's always nice to have clean houses and clean bowls for all the creatures.

Then I went and picked up my friend, who is actually a friendly acquaintance, but I usually enjoy her company. Today she told me about a fight she had with another friendly acquaintance of mine, and then she proceeded to tell me about all the things she hates the individual and about the "group" of people we both hang out with periodically; and I mean hates. I knew about the fight before she told me her side of the story, and there was definitely an element of ugly about it, but it was actually a friendly, but not well though out, joke that got out of hand. Then she wanted me to tell her about my feelings for all those people. I didn't mind her talking about her feelings, which will probably change over time, so I didn't feel judgemental about her angry feelings. But I felt very uncomfortable that she was trying to push me into telling her things the other people had said or done or what they may have said to me. When the other people did tell me their side of this story I didn't say anything to them either, I just listened. I did share much with my friendly acquaintance anything either, but it gave me a bit of stress keeping my mouth shut. I studied Political Science at the University of Delaware, but I'm not very political in terms of fighting for one person who is running for office nor am I very political when it comes to friendships and even "gossip." Mostly I would rather just stay out of the entire confusion of interrelationship issues. Needless to say I was glad to drop my friend off at her house and come back to the animal comfort of my little hermit cave here in the country by the Columbia River. There is a group party next week, it will be interesting to see how everyone is relating to each other by then; I prefer that every one like each other and have a good time, but I'm not in charge, just an observer of this human situation.

As I think about what I've said it may appear that my relationships aren't very deep, at least in the above situation. But I think the above situation deserves the bit of wisdom that comes from "picking ones battles." I prefer to remain friendly with all the parties of this little melodrama because at some point everyone will be friendly again and when that happens I want to still be in the same, or similar, relationship square I'm in now. Sometimes it is better to just be a cosmic listener....

Many people think I am the kind of person who jumps into the quick of things; I am a risk taker, but even in taking risks I like, as much as possible, to have thought out how risky the risk is going to be. Funny, I use to be a total extrovert and now I am almost a total introvert. When I appeared to be an extrovert I told people that I actually thought like an introvert, but acted like an extrovert. People still see me as an extrovert, but I am just as happy being at home with the pooches and reading a good intelligently written book. Though I still need human contact to make sure I stay human myself.

I've been dreaming lately, seems like there was a stretch of time where I did not remember dreaming at all. One night recently I had a dream where I was telling someone what I wanted in the deepest part of who I am. I said something like: "I want to be able to listen to people in a deep and real way, so they can go into the hidden parts of themselves, and find the hidden part of who they are. I want to help them bring that deep hidden part of themselves into the light, so they can use that deep dark part of themselves to make the world a better place."

There isn't anything else I can say tonight. Thank you for reading my blog. Your friend, Iris